Anyone that knows me, knows I can’t keep a journal. I have attempted many times… art journals, inspirational journals, soulful journals… I can’t even keep a food log and my blood sugar count. But I can keep journals I type into… like my blog. I can type for hours, as my email buddies can attest to, but put a pen in my hand and I draw a blank.
I started a ‘letters to nowhere’ file on my computer when my best friend Wendy died. I wasn’t ready to stop talking to her, so I would write to her this way – and get it off my chest. That worked so well so I started writing to my Dad in there too. He’s alive, but we are pretty much strangers, so it’s nice to write to him there, as it makes me feel like I’m able to get my words to him somehow. I haven’t written to either of them in a long while…
Now I’m writing to others in there – people I can’t talk to in person for one reason or another. At first I thought it was helping… I could just release it from my mind… but now I don’t know how much it’s helping. It’s hard writing about things that are so emotionaly charged inside me… it just brings the sadness to the top, day after day and I think I’m making myself feel worse instead of better.
If any of this turns out better than I think it will – they will be amazing words to read again later. I don’t think I’m a very articulate person – I have a very hard time finding the write words, but these pages are so raw, so from the heart, from moments in my life that have shaken me to the core in good ways and bad that it stirred some amazing writing from this little ‘wordless woman’. It’s too bad I can’t send them out to everyone I wrote them too – It’s too bad those people will never know who I really am inside. They just might be amazed. Wake up people – and see me for who I am, not who YOU think I am.
I’m working on that actually. I’ve always been the push-over, the door mat, the ‘yes’ girl in situations where I’m concerned with what people think. No more – I need to ‘put on my big girl panties’ and take the bull by the horns… at work, at home, even within my little community. I started at home – I’ve taken big steps to getting myself back – the happy, bubbly self I used to be. That will trickle down and cause problems with unsupportive family members I’m sure, but like I said earlier – wake up and see me for who I really am, not who you think I should be. I just want to be happy again.